Break
Inspired by Charlotte's post about her breakup with Rabbit over at The Life of Charlotte Times, I got to thinking that it's about time I discussed my own "breakup" issues. So... pull up a chair.
Now... I won't get into too much detail out of respect for her, but... my girlfriend and I haven't talked in two months. It's a break. "What the hell is that?", you ask. Well... it's when one of you needs time apart to figure things out. We've been together for 5 years. I've dated a lot of women prior (ok, not "a lot" as in Wilt Chamberlain numbers), but she's the only one I've ever loved. Where I can be cold, she warmed me up. Where I can be somewhat of a recluse, she drew me out. I hate spending time with family... except I loved hers. Why the break, then?
Let me see if I can talk it through...
We're both Virgos. That's good and bad. It's good because we both have an identity outside the two of us. It's bad because... we're both overly sensitive. We've always had a difficult time reacting to one other. We're both highly critical and struggle with anger management issues. She gets in moods on a daily basis and I react to them by acting like a child. I blow up, hang up, push chairs. It's ridiculous. I need harmony in my life and she can't give it to me. She knows it. I know it. Likewise, she deserves a true sounding board - someone who can allow her to vent and express herself without taking it personally. So break up, right? Read on.
Together... we bring out the best in each other. We even have cute nicknames and pet children. "Pet what??", you ask. Well... let's just say one is a ninja hippo and the other two shall remain anonymous. Yes, it's crazy... but it's the single thing I love most about her - that she can be silly and so adorable. That's not who she is by day, mind you. Just as I'm a cold and distant grouch by day, we both have a side that only comes out when we're around each other. I've never found that with anyone else and I don't think I'd want to. I don't know what will come of us - if we'll break up or get back together. I do know that I have no interest in dating anyone else. She was it and always will be. There's no point in looking elsewhere.
We both grew up watching our parents fight. To this day, I shut down when there's conflict; she embraces it. The break was brought on by a major argument we had Christmas Eve. In fact, we spent that night alone. Oh... I know the video seems all warm and rosy, but yeah... we had one of our biggest fights on Christmas Eve. She lives in San Francisco... moved up awhile ago. She's been awesome about driving down to see me, but getting me to go up there has been somewhat of a chore. I hate driving on freeways and I'm terrified to fly. Still... I got on a plane. We stayed at the nicest hotel in the city. I took her family out for breakfast. We spent Christmas at her aunt's house. I did all the things I thought would make her happy. It wasn't enough, though, to stop her from getting into a mood. I was ready to break up the next morning, but I looked at her and realized she was worth it. Besides... I know I'm not a prince.
The holidays ended, but... I couldn't shake what had happened. As hard as I tried, I kept coming back to the fact that everything should have been perfect. I didn't hold back. All I asked for, in return, was... no arguments, yet we had one of of our worst to date. So... we had a chat one night and I told her what I was feeling. I said it felt like I had "checked out" since Christmas. Her tone kicked in and she started to get upset. How do I react when she gets upset? Yeah... I get upset. So back and forth we went... until I couldn't take it anymore and I hung up the phone. I immediately felt bad and wanted to apologize, but I didn't.
I've said this to her many times over the years, but she deserves better than me. I'm too set in my ways. Yet... just as I know that I don't deserve the conflict, I keep seeing her smile and the little looks she gave me. I wonder if we'd both lose out on something special by walking away. It's easy to find a lover, but not someone who shows you something you've been missing.
As I said, we haven't talked since early Feburary. It's been two months now. For all I know, she's met someone else. I sent something on Valentine's Day, but she never responded. My guess is that she may have moved on. Probably best for her anyway. If we were to get back together, things would need to change. She'd need to work on her moods and her anger; I'd need to develop thicker skin. Anger management classes would be a must for both of us. I'd also have to change my living arrangement. One of the biggest sources of tension has been that my best friend, a girl, has been living with me for quite awhile now. She's more than a friend, though. She s family... and I would need to make sure she could make it on her own. It's a long story, but her parents were supposed to buy her a house so they could move out here. Didn't happen. They pulled out. She's told me that she can't afford to live on her own, so... I don't know how to make that work. Still... if I am to get back together with my girlfriend, I need to change my living situation. Otherwise, it's all talk. I'm tired of sending mixed signals.
I don't know if we can break the cycle. It's like Groundhog Day. We see each other. She gets in a bad mood. I blow up. We make up. We fight again. I can't take it and need to take another asinine break. She thinks that if we live together all the bad stuff will magically disappear, but every little conflict drives me further away. She jokes about being a "ruiner of moments", but I hesitate to take the relationship to the next level because I'm afraid of what life will be like 7 days a week, 365 days a year. We've literally had a meltdown every single time we've been together for 5 years now. That's an alarming stat and everyone I know (except for my best friend) tells me to end it immediately. No offense to others, but... I don't usually listen to the advice of friends when it comes to issues like this. Of course they're on my side. She's the devil, absolutely. I deserve so much better. Blah blah blah. She is not the devil and I'm not innocent in any of this. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. She's an amazing person - smart, funny, gorgeous, silly, adorable, and sexy. It's why we've been together for so long. We're no different than anyone else. We're flawed. We both care about each other, but is that enough? We bring out the best in one another, but also... the worst.
All I know is I'm not going to rush it. I need to make a sound decision... figure this out. I need to stop with the mixed signals (I know I send them). I need to do what's best for both of us. Problem is... I don't know what that is right now. It's complicated. I'm also struggling with a lot of other things. She has a good job up there in a specalized field and has said it would be hard to find one down here. I can't move up there without taking a massive pay cut. So even if she came down, would I be ok with the guilt - knowing that she left her family and friends and gave up her career for me? Would I resent her if I kicked my friend out? In her defense, she's been more than patient with my friend being here. Is this one of those situations where you do what's best for all those involved - even if it's not what you want? Do I know what I want? Can't say. I wish we could talk like adults - have a calm, intelligent conversation where we discuss the good and the bad... without playing the blame game, but she's highly emotional and I can't handle confrontation. Every comment is seen as an attack... a criticism. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows. It's an endless cycle. Exhausting.
I keep her photos up because, well... she's my baby and I miss her. Until, or unless, it's over, that hasn't changed. Doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still in a relationship. She's still my girlfriend. We're just... on hiatus at the moment. At least that's how I see it. I hope it works out. 5 years is a long time. I cringe at the thought of starting over with someone new.
Anyway... there you have it. Things aren't so perfect in my world, either. Lots of stress.
Buddha
Reader Comments (6)
Oh Tom. If I lived there, we could go out and get good and plastered and forget our relationship woes for a few hours! Hugs.
my ex was like that. extremely moody. drama every damn day. you're better off. be loyal to your friend. relationships come and go, but friends and family are what's important. move on, bro.
Call her. Tell her to read your post. Have another fight if necessary. AIr it out. What do you have to lose if you aren't talking at all now?
@Charlotte - You tease me with alcohol. Shameless. Are you back with Rabbit again?
@Adam - Agreed, but... she's important, too. I appreciate the concern, though.
@sdw - Back from the dead, I see. I know... in time.
Oh... My heart aches for you. I hope you both find a way back to each other because this kind of love (even in its maddening complexity) is so very rare...
@Minx Thanks for stopping by. You know I love your blog. Yeah... it's rare - which is why it's so hard. If it were any other relationship/any other girl, I would have bowed out years ago. She's not any girl, though. I love her and can see spending my life with her, but I just don't know if I can handle the moods. No matter what I do, I can't stop her from going to the dark side each time we're together. I suppose it would be easier if I were better able to manage those moments, but that's where the couples therapy would need to come in. As demeaning as it would be to have to visit a therapist, there's no other way. Still... I have to work out my living arrangement, too, before making any moves. To just get back together isn't enough (assuming she hasn't already moved on, that is). I would need to move her in with me - to offer that fresh start, so.... I'm working through it.