Nonverbal Communication

I posted "Cupcake" on Wednesday. Think of this as Part Two of that discussion.  Words are powerful, absolutely (especially if racially motivated)... but it's often more about how you say something than what is being said.  A seemingly innocent comment can cause waves due to how it's being perceived and perception is heavily influenced by tone.   Likewise, a word that would normally lead to a brawl might result in a laugh... provided there was no intent to harm. 

I'll give you an example.  My girlfriend and I were on the phone one night.  She was having issues with her laundry machine.  It stopped up and she was freaking out.  She asked what to do.  I gave her some suggestions.  She tried them and nothing worked.  We blew up.  Big argument.  Over laundry.  She wasn't upset with me.  I wasn't upset with her.  We were talking about a washing machine and trying to fix the problem.  So how, then, did things escalate to where it became personal?  She said "it's not working", but she said it in a way that translated as "YOUR FUCKING ADVICE IS NOT HELPING MATTERS!!!"  It appeared contentious; otherwise, I would have scrambled to find the next fix.  Instead, my anger bubbled up.  Here I was just trying to help (in my mind) and she's yelling at me?  In her mind, of course... she wasn't yelling; she was just frustrated and stating the obvious... that it was still stopped up, so... what now?

I remember a guy who worked for me years ago.  He'd come in, sit down and stare at the computer all day with a scowl on his face.  I'd say hi, try to make him laugh.  Nothing.  Every day he was like that and it pissed me off.  I assumed he was upset with me and, since I hadn't done anything to provoke him, it annoyed me.  I almost fired him.  I found out later that he was upset with someone else; it had nothing to do with any of us.  Even nonverbal "angst" is felt.

The next time you open your mouth, think about the delivery.  Are you raising your voice?  Smiling?  If you were in their shoes, how would it come across?   Now... I know there are some who don't give a shit and could care less how others perceive them.  That's too bad.  You may not like it, but to navigate this life and avoid conflict... we need to be conscious of how we communicate our message ... be it to a lover, a manager or a stranger on the street.  There are all kinds of variables that help determine the outcome of the conversation.  Did they get enough sleep?  Have you two argued a lot before?  Are they having a bad day?  If you still don't care, that's fine.  Lovers and employers can only stomach negative energy for so long.   If you want the relationship/job to succeed... watch your tone.  Otherwise, expect to fail.

Still not convinced?  Time to read up on Dr. Albert Mehrabian.