Relationships
They’re not easy, are they? We meet, we date and then we break up. If we’re lucky... we get married. Sometimes we marry, but then divorce. Very few relationships take off and/or survive. Why is it so difficult to find the right person and make it work? Do we give up too easily? Is it a kind of self-sabotage? Are we doomed to remain alone?
Do we send mixed signals? Do we devote enough time to the ones we love? How do you tell if someone has potential? Is it men? Are we all uncommunicative jerks? What about women? Are you too needy? Maybe it’s just that men and women are different. Period. We’re raised differently, in fact. Boys learn to hide their emotions and women learn to share. Then you factor in life - being bombarded by movies and images and how you’re supposed to act. The stress of work, family and friendships ... in having to divide your attention. When it comes to sending mixed signals, I know I’m probably guilty of it. I complain about others being too impatient, then I get frustrated if I haven’t heard back from someone fast enough. I suppose it makes me a hypocrite.
I have a tendency to compartmentalize. Maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, but I can’t give 100% to any one person or thing - be it work, my girlfriend or family. Each is deserving of that full attention, however. I’m a better employee if I put in 100%. I’m a better boyfriend if I focus solely on my girl. I’m a better friend or or family member if I show loyalty. The trick, I suppose, is in finding that sweet spot - the ability to balance in moderation. I haven't found it - not yet. As a result, I don't have harmony.
The only way a relationship will succeed (or last longer) is through communication - from day one. I know that I sat my girlfriend down and put everything out on the table - the importance of having my privacy/space, the fact that I probably didn’t make a great boyfriend to begin with, my political and religious views - as well as the fetish about flying monkeys. It’s not something you do once. She and I have had a few “come to Jesus” meetings over the years. You have to. We can’t read your mind and you can’t read ours. Men don’t get hints and women sometimes struggle with showing patience.
My girlfriend turned me on to a great book by Steve Harvey; it’s called Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. In it, he talks about the modern man. It’s strangely dead on. Some of the stuff is a bit caveman-like, but then ... men are still pretty basic when it comes to what makes us tick. We’re not all that complicated. Yes, we want sex. Yes, we think about sex all the time and will steer every conversation around to it if given the chance. We need the “cookie” and to have our ego stroked. That’s pretty much it. We need you to dress sexy and fuck our minds, daily. Our ideal lover is someone like Sasha Grey. Hot, sexy and smart. Part porn star and part girl next door. She's a 3-dimensional enigma and a living, breathing Muse. Always a tease.
Also... remember that we weren’t raised to “share”, so don’t tell us every single detail of your day. Cliff Notes version, please. It’s not that we don’t want to hear your thoughts; it’s that we’re not women. We like to talk about the world at large - not dissect our day in exquisite detail. If you ask a guy how his day was, he’ll probably say “it was ok” and leave it at that. Likewise, we don’t want to hear “and then I talked to Julie and she was like, 'oh my god!'” If your recap goes beyond a minute, our interest will start to fade. Ask for our opinion. Engage us. Don't just vent.
How do you tell if a guy only wants sex? Easy. He won’t be able to wait for long. My advice is to hold off on meeting him for awhile. Go back/forth via e-mail/IM. Weeks, not days. Then move to the phone. Discuss everything - views on God, the Republican Party and every freaky sexual fantasy (even the one involving jello and space aliens). You might scare him off, absolutely - but why waste your time with someone who is not a match. Find out if he can hold his own in a conversation. Is he a mama’s boy? A closet misogynist? Too sensitive? Does he ask permission to kiss you or does he take what he wants? Find the balance - a nice guy with confidence. Smart. Funny. Good in bed. Whatever you do, don’t settle. Don’t wait by the phone, either; he won’t. If he cancels a date, reschedule. Give him a second chance. Don’t take it too seriously. Life happens. If he flakes on you consistently, though... walk away.
Relationships are tough. We're all so different - and flawed.
Communication is key...
Buddha
Reader Comments (4)
Ahh, so true.
I'm so lucky to have found my perfect match - then again, I've said that a few times!
Things change, shit happens, and sometimes we end up wanting different things.
I am blissfully happy in the relationship I am in now. Not sure if it will last until we are old, but I'm going to enjoy every awesome moment of it.
DON'T SETTLE. It really IS hard finding someone who accepts you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.
As I've said before, love your insights.
Thanks for the read. =]
Great post, thanks for some insight into the male mind.
Balance is definitely the key. It's always been one of my 'life mottos'. Lots of truth and wisdom in this post.